PARALYSIS... MY BEST FRIEND

September 4, 1999

Could it be possible that something so tragic, so evil, so debilitating, so cruel, and so unfair be considered one of the greatest gifts in the world? How could it be? You have already heard how paralysis is my worst enemy and you probably could totally understand how I came to that conclusion. Given how much pain and discomfort this condition has caused my family, friends, and me, what could I possibly find to be joyous and harmonious in a world of paralysis? Two years ago I visited Athens, Greece, a trip filled with despair, isolation, and even a thought of suicide. Paralysis was my best friend at that time, but I did not realize it. Today, I sit here again in beautiful, historic Athens to share with you how paralysis has evolved into my best friend, with total certainty and knowingness as to why it is my best friend and why it is the second greatest gift I have ever received...next to the gift of life that my parents gave me almost 30 years ago.

This may come of as quite a surprise to many of you, but paralysis has been a blessing in my life since that morning of December 28, 1985 when I woke up with a numb big toe. From that moment, I began to be more aware of my body than ever before. Something in my consciousness triggered a new alertness to what my body was experiencing and the movement towards understanding its function began. I guess you can also say that I began to love my body again, but on a very small scale. I believe that we all come into this world with unconditional love for ourselves and others, but as fear outside of us begins to make the journey inside of us through our senses, that love begins to slowly fade away. Fortunately, there is never a wrong time to reclaim love for ourselves, even if the message comes in the form of a disease, sickness, injury, or in my case, paralysis. During this 48 hour time period when the numbness in my left toe spread to the entire lower portion of my body, from the navel down both legs to my toes, I recall a feeling of overwhelming uncertainty, but also a sense of peace, which I could not understand at that time. At that moment, it was as if my body was leaving me and returning to me. Never in the previous 15 years of my life had I ever remotely thought of giving my body or myself for that matter, that much attention. Today, with almost half my life being spent in a wheelchair, I can honestly say to you that I know my body, I take care of it, and more than ever before, I love it...the whole package!! Shall we continue?

On many levels, paralysis has provided me with life's critical ingredient for survival...love. From the onset of paralysis, my need for attention, a form of love, was fulfilled. I truly believe that on the subconscious level I felt as if I was not receiving the amount of love and attention which I needed to survive. This sounds awkward for me to even say to myself given how much love my family and friends have always given me. Still, when you can not give yourself the amount of love you need and deserve, you are constantly seeking to fill your cup, which always appears to be half- empty. To this day, I have received an abundance of love and attention from people and I still manage to feel empty at times. Now I realize that at these moments, I am not taking care of myself or loving myself and make the necessary adjustments. In my opinion, from ages 2-28, I had forgotten how to love myself and began seeking attention from others. For these 26 years, I did whatever it took, usually subconsciously, to have my needs for survival met. Before I dive into the specifics of how I manifested having my needs met, I think it is important to share with you three strong beliefs which I have on the subjects of love and life. First, I believe that the two things, underneath everything else, that all human beings want is to be loved and to give love. Second, I believe that whatever we give to someone, we need in return in some form. Basically what this means is that if I am a person who puts out a lot of love and good feelings, I need to get that in return in order to create a balance in my life. And finally, there is always a positive to come out of any so-called "negative" situation. Let's continue...

When I was lying in my hospital beds in Mountainside Hospital in NJ, Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in NY, and finally Kessler Institute for Rehabilitation in NJ, I remember always having the biggest smiles of my face and being in a good mood. Family and friends were always visiting, bringing me food, cards, letters, and gifts. I was the center of attention...and I felt like it. Even when nurses and doctors came in, I felt loved. During the early stages of paralysis, I did not feel too much pain because the overwhelming amount of love that I received was my life force and could not be challenged. Can you imagine having over 20 tests done to your body, many of which were very violating and uncomfortable, and still managing to laugh and smile after each one? Just thinking about those days fascinates me in terms of how strong my need was for human connection, even to the point of administering pain to my body. Everything that you may think of which should have affected me did not because it was suppressed. When you are in a mode of surviving, you will do whatever it takes to fulfill that need. This should help you better understand where my mind for survival was at that time. The doctor told my parents and me that there was a chance that I would not survive the exploratory surgery they were about to perform on me. While my parents were frightened by the prospects, I still managed to smile and recall saying, "No, problem, let's go!" Love and attention were my main priorities at the time and paralysis answered the call..and I am eternally grateful.

Two major sources of all the love and attention from which I have received are my family and friends. Though it is often at times viewed as a tragedy, I choose to see my paralysis as a blessing and these people are a direct reflection of that. Now I have always had a very loving and supportive family and cast of friends, but this paralyzing experience has changed us all...in my opinion, for the better. We have all grown closer through the trials and tribulations of this situation. From the moment I arrived in the hospital 14 years ago up to the present moment, all of my family and friends have learned more about me and I believe, about themselves. Now I realize that everyone in my life wants me to walk again, but I also know that each one recognizes the vital role that paralysis has played in my life. Would I have ever been able to connect with these loving individuals on this level had I not become paralyzed? We may never know the answer to that question. I challenge each and every one of you at this moment to ask yourself, what have I learned from being sick myself and what I have learned from someone else who is coping with a physical or mental opportunity?

Paralysis has even managed to create a whole new cast of friends in my life whom I may have never had met if this challenge had never evolved. What about all the doctors, nurses, therapists, and fellow patients whom I have met over the years who have played vitals roles in helping me become the man I am today. God has sent me one of his finest angels who has become like a second father to me. I'm not sure if I would have ever met him if the situation was any different. Many more friends have come into my life through wheelchair sports, lectures, outings, and other events which focus on disabilities. My three years in Miami were filled with some of the most growth-oriented experiences of my entire life. Down there I have extended families, another soul brother who was also my roommate, the Miami Project to Cure Paralysis, a true source of strength and courage to me in the package of Marc Buoniconti, and many other dear friends whom I will always cherish. I could have never imagined moving down to Miami had I not become paralyzed. And finally, I may have missed out on discovering the most precious jewel the world has to offer, my wife Pratiksha. You see, we met while I was presenting a speech to a group of physical therapy students in Atlantic City, NJ which I probably would not have been giving if I was on my feet. She is my other best friend who has befriended my paralysis since day one and continues to help me reach new levels of love for myself every day. Come to think of it, I'm sure we would have met anyway!! Paralysis does not have to mean destiny all the time!!

From the moment I was born, my life has been about movement. For the first fifteen years it was about physical movement. The last 14 years have been about emotional and spiritual movement. Can't wait to reunite the two halves of my life! This paralyzing experience has enhanced my athletic prowess. I recall being an able-bodied athlete and pushing my body to the point where I could not move. Pretty symbolic, huh? Anyway, I remember the exhilaration when I put my body to the test and it responded with great strength and conviction. There was a certainty, a knowingness that I could achieve something if I worked hard enough and believed in myself. For the first 15 years of my life I managed to survive with only working hard enough. Through paralysis, since my lower body can not be pushed the way it once was, the power of belief has become my driving force. I still work my upper body until I am totally fatigued, but the balance of belief has given me even more focus to achieve goals. You see, the power of belief has absolutely nothing to do with the physical body and how hard you push it. Paralysis has given me an opportunity to experience life outside the use of my physical body and for that I am eternally grateful.

Another gift which paralysis offered me was the opportunity to mature very quickly. Can you imagine being given the news that you will never walk again, learning a whole new medical vocabulary, having to catherize yourself so that you are able urinate, feeling the loss of possibly never being able to play sports again, and many other challenges packaged in paralysis....all at the age of 15? If I remember correctly, an average 15 year old teenage boy is focusing on girls, sports, music, studies, and more girls...not paralysis. Spending time in the hospital during winter vacation and New Year's Eve does not sound like something anyone would ask for at any time, let alone an adventurous 15 year old. Bottom line, paralysis helped me to grow up and learn about life in a very big dosage. It has helped me to become more compassionate and sensitive towards others' needs. Paralysis has helped me to become a better communicator which has blossomed into a career for me. Think about it, there may have never been the creation of Devotion to Motion had I not become paralyzed. There are many times in my life when I seek strength to overcome an obstacle, so I turn to my paralysis. I have found it much easier to communicate with other minorities whom I am constantly looking to assist in improving the quality of their lives. Cultivating all these gifts has been influenced, to some degree, by paralysis. Would all of these gifts have evolved had I not become paralyzed? Maybe, or maybe not. All I know is that I choose to view paralysis as a wake-up call...to myself...and I am eternally grateful.

To that end, paralysis has been the direct path for me to find myself...the real me. Though it has taken me a while, the numbness in my legs coupled with motionless lower limbs are constant reminders of how precious life is and how much more than just my physical body I really am. Yes, some of my body may be desensitized and may not move, but ask yourself, "How much life do we really experience with just the simple use of our bodies?" This experience has enabled me to dive into the mysteries of emotions and their impact on our physical bodies. Most importantly, it has lead me down a direct path to reconnecting with God, who I know has always been with me...I just chose not to believe it there for a while. Through this experience, a restoration of faith and belief has manifested, which is helping me serve others in this world. Without a purpose in life, one is lost. Thank you paralysis for helping fulfill my purpose in life. Thank you paralysis for your guidance. And thank you paralysis for teaching me how to love myself again. I am eternally grateful that you chose me.

Yes, I meant every word I just wrote. If nothing else, please remember this last paragraph. There are gifts to be found in everything that exists in this world. Some of life's greatest challenges and obstacles open up doors to parts of ourselves which allow us to move forward in life. Just think of any time in your life when you experienced pain. At that moment, it might have felt as if the end of the world was coming. Right? Looking back at it, what did that experience teach you...about yourself and/or about someone else? Pain is one of life's greatest teachers if we simply choose to extract its lesson. I put out my second challenge to each and every one of you. Whenever a so-called "problem" evolves, or a challenge, or an obstacle, or anything else that generates an energy inside of you other than love, please make an attempt to locate the gifts that it contains. It may not be easy. It may take a while. And it may be frustrating. But trust me, when you quiet your mind and tune into your heart, the gift or message will be waiting for you. It took me close to 30 years to find my gift. Please don't wait that long!

Thanks for listening!
Scott

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