~Anger~

"Why can't I walk?" "Why can't I move my legs?" "Why can't I feel my body?" "Why can't I breathe on my own?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "Why me?" These are just some of the many questions which may surface when one becomes paralyzed. So many unanswered questions usually result in an emotion with which we are all familiar, anger. Do we really address the anger when a disturbing situation arises or do we escape from it by storing it somewhere, maybe somewhere in the body? It would be interesting to know where our anger goes when we don't release it. Many doctors believe that stored or unexpressed anger triggers ulcers. Yes, this is true, but does the anger travel to other parts of the body as well? And if it does, what effects does it have on the body and the mind. 

The main reason for addressing the subject of "anger" is my belief that many paralyzed individuals have an abundance of unexpressed anger. I am one of them. Now you may be saying to yourself that all of your anger has been released and that you have made peace with your paralysis. This may be true or it may be your creative way of escaping from your feelings. It may even be your way of comforting others by simply telling them that you are simply o-kay, don't worry about me. Come on, think about it. Who wants to be in the company of an angry person or a bitter person in a wheelchair? I believe that so much anger is channeled to the self and the body during one's paralyzing experience, beginning shortly before one is paralyzed and continuing on until it is brought into one's awareness and properly handled. If you are unsure whether or not you have any stored anger or remnants of anger, ask yourself the following questions: "Am I still blaming someone or myself for paralyzing my body?" When you see yourself in the mirror, how do you view or feel about your paralyzed limbs? When you are out in public and your day is disrupted because you have to take time to catherize or maybe you have wet your pants, how do you feel? For my male friends out there who have not yet discovered Viagra or injections or choose not to use them, doesn't it bother you that you have troubles getting erections? And last but not least, how does it affect you that there are just some things that you simply can not do at this very moment? Before I go any further, please know that there is nothing wrong with being angry. As a matter of fact, you have every right to be angry. Now let's see if there is a constructive way of releasing this hidden anger.

Owning your anger is the first step in channeling your anger in a more productive way. By this I mean allowing your anger to be expressed immediately is paramount in this process. Now this could backfire so beware. Let's take an example from my past. When I was living at home, my mother would constantly remind me to reposition (weight shift) in the wheelchair and catherize. Here I am, a 16 year old kid, my face covered with pimples, thinking about girls, sports, school, parties, more girls, etc. and having to deal with that little voice inside of me that is constantly reminding me to reposition and catherize. It's my built-in protective mechanism that guides me but also can be too strong at times and that is when I silence it. Now here comes my mother, playing out my little voice in full stereo and "pushing my buttons." I erupt with a vengeance on my mother, telling her to be quiet and leave me alone. I yell, I scream, and I totally release my anger, right? No! Right at that moment, you know, the boiling point, I shut down completely because my mother would start to cry and I would feel guilty because I thought I had hurt her feelings. Hey, what happened to the rest of that anger? Where did it go? Looking back at that event which occurred frequently in the early stages of my paralysis, I now know that the anger had absolutely nothing to do with my mother. Her intentions were clean in just simply reminding me what I needed to do to maintain my health. She always wants what is best for me, but may not be able to express in the most eloquent way sometimes. On this occasion, my anger towards myself was building up so much inside of me that I no longer wanted to deal with it, so I projected it onto my mother. We love to vent on loved ones don't we? Because we know that they will always be there. To put it simply, once you own your anger and look back at your life and angry moments, you will realize that in each case your own self anger was being played out by the recipient of your anger. In the future you will think twice before hurting that person and understand that your anger has nothing to do with others. By making a conscious effort in this process, you will avoid any projections onto other people.

Here are some helpful hints. First and foremost, communicate! When you are feeling angry, let everyone in the vicinity (it may be a two-mile radius) know that you are frustrated at that moment, but that it has nothing to do with them. This way you won't be weaving anyone into your "web of anger." Tell them that you will get back to them later to discuss your moodiness. Is that a word? Anyway, it is now time to release your anger. Only you know how to fully release your anger, hopefully in a non-violent way. Some people choose to yell or scream very loud. This can be done out loud or into a pillow if the neighbors are beginning to talk. Taking a baseball bat and whacking a pillow for 10 minutes is a great way to release. For those of you who feel that these release methods are barbaric, writing a journal can be a powerful outlet in eliminating anger from your life.

Once you have released your anger, question it. "Why did I get angry at this very moment?" Dive into the reason behind the anger. Be open and honest with yourself. "I was loving myself in one moment and in the next moment I was in a big fight with myself." What can I do to prevent this from happening again?" Once you have asked your questions, wait for the answer or answers. Tune into your heart, be silent, and wait for the message. Some people meditate to get access to these answers. My belief is that prayer is when one talks to God and meditation is when we listen to God or our inner voice. Locating the message is a critical element to the process and when found can take you to the next level of your personal development.

The final step in handling anger, is accepting it. Accept the fact that anger is a human emotion. It can be constructive or destructive. It is your choice. Everything in life is a choice. Think about it. The more you can accept this powerful emotion and mold and sculpt it so it serves you most effectively, the more energy you will have to focus on fulfilling your purpose in life. If it's anger from a past event, re-interpret the event. If it's anger that you think is because of another person, remember that he or she is merely a mirror reflection of you. And if you are looking down at your paralyzed body and feel totally disgusted, make an internal shift and begin to accept your body, understand it, and begin to love it the best way you know how. Many forms of healing will evolve from this approach.

My wife, Pratiksha, was my inspiration to write this story. She has helped me to address my hidden anger and through impeccable communication, we are breaking down the walls that have kept me from fulfilling my purpose in life. I thank her for her unconditional love and I thank you again, my friends, for listening. 

Scott Chesney, August 24, 1998

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